12 may 2025
me trying to cope after getting absolutely smashed and embarrassing myself terribly
4 may 2025
haikyuu!! & coursework...
this entry is spoiler free! i just finished the show and i'm so upset, what do you mean there's no more... i got into haikyuu during lockdown when it was super popular, but i remember i'd liked it for a little before that. i never actually finished the show though, and only ever got so far as TTT1. i love this stupid sports anime so much for no good reason, not just because of the nostalgia factor- though that's definitely part of it, God knows why really. i was veeery much into the fan content produced at the time, and it makes me sentimental to look back at something i loved so dearly in a period i hated so much. but i get waaaay too invested in it so that it's a little embarrassing, like why am i a part of the crowd?! finding out while writing this that another film was announced just two months ago has me clawing at the walls in ways no other media does. i think in part that's because it's so different to what i'm typically interested in. my preferred genres are usually slower, more aesthetic and philosophical, so for me at least, the intersection between beauty and intention has always been where i've found my favourite pieces. haikyuu... doesn't really fit with that? some of the animation is absolute insane don't get me wrong (dumpster battle kenma pov had me rolling around foaming at the mouth THAT WAS SO DAMN COOL...) and a few of the messages have reached into my heart, but those aren't a particular focus of the show. at least overtly, it seems much more about growth and becoming stronger, something which i can only sympathise with in a roundabout way since my focus is academic rather than athletic. but this is mostly used to build excitement, rather than to instill some philosophy in the consumer. maybe this is why i like it so much, considering the stress i've been under lately? exams honestly took a lot out of me, and if anything i've only started working harder since they ended and i realised how much more i needed to improve. it's nice to have a break from all that brainwork and semi-mindlessly cheer for some fictional sports team. on the run up to exams, as always, i found myself making time for other projects. i don't know what it is, but exam season always gives me this marked desire to do something. apart from a few small essays, which i'm holding back on uploading for now, i was watching haikyuu in my down time- and admittedly, a couple times when i should've been working... i'd been putting off the final movie since i didn't want it to be truly over, but now it is
i fully intend to read the manga at some point, but since all my coursework starts now, since i'll be busy over the summer with revision and volunteering, since i'll be busy until this time next year with my final exams, and since i'll be busy after that with university, i'm not sure when i'll get a chance to... my friend's older sister has every copy of the manga, which i find astonishing, but i'll honestly most likely end up reading it online, and hopefully collecting the mangas when i have a big girl job. i've started collecting the DVDs though, and have found both parts of season one second hand, which i thought was very lucky! i'm honestly not sure how widely available they are, but i'm not above buying them firsthand by any means. i'm matching profile pictures with the friend i mentioned as bokuaka, though we both agree i'm oikawa at heart... i think if anything they're kenma, but bokuaka describes our interactions best out of the dynamics in the show. i have some endearing irritation for oikawa, as in a want to scrunch him up and throw him as far away as possible. this personality ain't big enough for the both of us. it's a little shameful that i've written more about this dumb volleyball show than about my exams.
my second great cringey love, kpop, has made a debut in my academic life lately. for my anthropology coursework, i've decided to look at how a sense of belonging is created in kpop fandoms- it'll be weird to gain the title of "aca-fan", it makes me feel as if i should constantly be analysing things. some of the research i'm looking at focuses on comparing belonging from the positionalities of white and racialised fans, or through using materiality to signify cultural capital, but i'm not sure just yet how i'll narrow my question down. i've spent over 5 hours this weekend just reading up on it, which don't get me wrong, is very interesting and not enough time to complain in earnest, just a little strenuous given that i'm preparing for my listening exam come tuesday, and that i went out on saturday too. i've put in a good amount of work today, but it's not over yet... this is a little daunting given that i have other responsibilities left on top of this. i submitted my proposal for my philosophy IA about a month ago, but am yet to hear feedback on it. using a scene from nbc hannibal, i'm going to analyse free will and responsibility. i haven't actually brought up my EE on the site yet, so this seems as good a time as any. the subject is anthropology, and the topic to what extent the concept of liminality helps us understand the role of siberian shamans- though this research question is in the works, since i reference agency considerably, and my overarching focus is gender liminality. i'm at about 3k right now, and the final 4k deadline is in a couple months, so i'm confident enough. it's a topic i've truly enjoyed researching and writing about. on a more sobering note, i had a bit of a crisis the other night about uni, since my first choice requires 37 points. my grades pre-exams added up to 36, and our school averages one point on the core components, so i'd be on the entry requirement if i got in my exams what i got in my classes. i'm optimistic for two points in my core components as well, but since my TOK teacher is a bum we'll have to see. and yet, i am very afraid of my exam scores dropping. my own prediction for my post-mocks total is around 33-34, but i know this is a result of my own failures and that nothings going to change unless i work harder- which i'm already working into my routine. i was stressing even harder when i found out about Singapore's expectations, which made me realise i am a lot stupider than i thought. thank God i don't live somewhere with such high standards, but at the same time, i feel i'm not doing nearly enough when i'm struggling for 37 while 42 is a mediocre grade for others. yet where i am, the average is comparatively lower, and i know i'm at the top end of my form group- though they're not a particularly representative measurement of success. for these reasons, i'm trying to dial back on pursuits that don't contribute to my schoolwork, at this point especially, since this is my busiest term. i'm sure i'll manage to upload pieces from my TOK work and philosophy, and eventually my anthro IA and EE, but apart from that the site may look a little neglected... in part this is because i previously had such an intense editing schedule, meaning i set myself up a little. regardless, i do enjoy my subjects when i'm not ripping my hair out over them, when i'm not feeling the pressure of my entire future. we are alive once. i hope that university not only gives me more singleness of purpose, but that i can find a way to live less inhibited by this dread. i don't know how i managed double the subjects pre-IB, just the six & cores feel like a terrible sharp juggling act. i'm hoping to finish my EE by next week, so i can fully focus on my coursework. i also have a languages speaking exam coming up soon, as well as my oral assessment for literature, neither of which i'm looking forward to. language acquisition has been the bane of my existence for a good while, speaking is my worst component. i feel as if i'm not progressing at all, i know this is my own fault and that i'll feel differently if i work harder, but it's a little overwhelming. on the first review evening my teachers asked me how i was feeling, and to my response of "scared" they said "as long as you're not overwhelmed, we can do it!" so i am now understandably feeling overwhelmed about feeling overwhelmed. for a very long time i've been set on moving somewhere which speaks this language, so the thought that i won't be good enough is terrifying to me. i don't have a resolution to this train of thought, except to work harder...
30 april 2025
exam ranting .2
it's over!!!! i'm really glad, but i'm anxious to get my results back so i can see what i need to improve on. i sat maths first and felt that it went well, my teacher was optimistic for >80% and from fear of letting her down i said "definitely above 70%!" she said she'd mark mine first (!!!) and i got my score the same day, 65% exactly. in my defense, everyone i spoke to said the paper was really difficult, and i'd gotten my period during the exam, so i wasn't at my best. but i need to be doing better regardless... science went well, i'm optimistic for that, especially since i'd been getting mediocre grades before and felt like i did a lot better this time. literature was absolutely beautiful, loved the extract, got to talk about crab mysticism (as seen on the homepage) and magical realism. i still have my listening and speaking exams left for language acquisition, but i was happy with the reading. two of the texts were ones i'd done in my revision, so even though i couldn't remember all the answers exactly, i felt a lot more confident. the writing was unfamiliar to me, since in class we've been doing questions directly related to our topics, but these prompts felt much broader. i wasn't sure of myself at all. i felt that i was writing at my usual level, which isn't good enough, and i'd been hoping that since i wrote a much better piece of work recently i'd be able to grow into that level of writing. not particularly pleased, but not particularly catastrophic. i'm optimistic for listening, speaking is another matter... i can never really tell how well i do in anthropology, but i didn't feel particularly good about anything i wrote. i don't know what went wrong... anxious to get this one back especially. today, my last exam, philosophy. walked out of the exam room and immediately told my friend "light work, no reaction," which really sums up the experience well. it took me a little time to get into the groove of things, but by the end i'd written 10 pages and was overall quite happy. i felt particularly good about the Plato question, which i'd only revised a little for, although it seems other people hadn't revised at all for it. i was glad i could recall so much without excessive work on it. and most importantly of all, after the exam i went to my friend's house to play with their kitten, who fell asleep in my arms. i love her maybe more than anything, even if she's stinky and leaves scratches all over me.
maths: 5
science: 6
literature: 6
language: 5
anthropology: 5
philosophy: 6
22 april 2025
exam ranting
sooo mock exams start now, 4 wed-fri this week and 2 tue-wed next week. my point score based on my subjects right now is 36 (in which the grades for the 6 core subjects are marked 7 (best) to 1 (worst) and added, the final score is different since it adds points from the EE, TOK & CAS) which i'm relatively happy about, since entry to top universities is around this mark. but my mark so far has just been based on coursework since we haven't done any mocks yet, which makes me worried about how i'll score in a different context. i'm predicting roughly 32, but God knows... my first exam is maths, which i find easy in class since we focus on one topic at a time and i can get into a groove, but recall from further back is difficult considering how complicated the calculator is. do not get me started on functions do NOT get me started on probability. the same day is science, which isn't so hard, but i'm not interested at all so it's difficult to remember. then literature, which is an unseen text meaning you can't revise content. i'm happy about this since i'm already good at literature, it's actually the reason i got into the programme, and it's one less thing i have to revise- though the real exam will obviously be different... then language acquisition, which i'm kind of shitting myself over ibr, since before IBDP i was getting consistently >95% and now i'm on a 5
which just makes me feel kinda dumb in comparison to natives in my class. especially since before DP i was known as terminally locked in for language, so it's embarrassing on top of everything if i get a bad mark... but more than that i'll be mad at myself for not having done enough. i've been doing a lot of listening practice since it's the one i suck most at but if i don't know the vocab there's not all that much i can do... as soon as my science exam is over i'm locking in for language so hard it'll be a threat to my health. THEN THREE DAYS OF RESPITE YAYYYY!!!!! except i'll be cramming anthro and philo so it won't be that fun... these are the ones i'm most confident for though, since they're both mostly skill based, which i'm good at. for philosophy i don't know as much of the content as i probably should but you can get by pretty well without that, plus our teacher told us what the one content based question would be about since he felt it was unfair that we rushed it in class. anthropology i felt like i knew none of and was sweating over easter, so much so that after revising with a friend i feel i'm actually alright, at least in comparison... and then i have normal classes the literal next day. not even a single day off urghhghh. at least since my exams are all in the morning i can rest most of wednesday, but i'd like to be able to sleep in a little... tomorrow will start with my pre-exam ritual: incense & PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY. i'm nervous but these first two exams are the worst since they're so boring, language is at least marginally better since it's interesting even though it batters me. please spare a moment of your lives to consciously wish me well, i will send good karma to you in return...
me trying to cope after getting absolutely smashed and embarrassing myself terribly
4 may 2025
haikyuu!! & coursework...
this entry is spoiler free! i just finished the show and i'm so upset, what do you mean there's no more... i got into haikyuu during lockdown when it was super popular, but i remember i'd liked it for a little before that. i never actually finished the show though, and only ever got so far as TTT1. i love this stupid sports anime so much for no good reason, not just because of the nostalgia factor- though that's definitely part of it, God knows why really. i was veeery much into the fan content produced at the time, and it makes me sentimental to look back at something i loved so dearly in a period i hated so much. but i get waaaay too invested in it so that it's a little embarrassing, like why am i a part of the crowd?! finding out while writing this that another film was announced just two months ago has me clawing at the walls in ways no other media does. i think in part that's because it's so different to what i'm typically interested in. my preferred genres are usually slower, more aesthetic and philosophical, so for me at least, the intersection between beauty and intention has always been where i've found my favourite pieces. haikyuu... doesn't really fit with that? some of the animation is absolute insane don't get me wrong (dumpster battle kenma pov had me rolling around foaming at the mouth THAT WAS SO DAMN COOL...) and a few of the messages have reached into my heart, but those aren't a particular focus of the show. at least overtly, it seems much more about growth and becoming stronger, something which i can only sympathise with in a roundabout way since my focus is academic rather than athletic. but this is mostly used to build excitement, rather than to instill some philosophy in the consumer. maybe this is why i like it so much, considering the stress i've been under lately? exams honestly took a lot out of me, and if anything i've only started working harder since they ended and i realised how much more i needed to improve. it's nice to have a break from all that brainwork and semi-mindlessly cheer for some fictional sports team. on the run up to exams, as always, i found myself making time for other projects. i don't know what it is, but exam season always gives me this marked desire to do something. apart from a few small essays, which i'm holding back on uploading for now, i was watching haikyuu in my down time- and admittedly, a couple times when i should've been working... i'd been putting off the final movie since i didn't want it to be truly over, but now it is
i fully intend to read the manga at some point, but since all my coursework starts now, since i'll be busy over the summer with revision and volunteering, since i'll be busy until this time next year with my final exams, and since i'll be busy after that with university, i'm not sure when i'll get a chance to... my friend's older sister has every copy of the manga, which i find astonishing, but i'll honestly most likely end up reading it online, and hopefully collecting the mangas when i have a big girl job. i've started collecting the DVDs though, and have found both parts of season one second hand, which i thought was very lucky! i'm honestly not sure how widely available they are, but i'm not above buying them firsthand by any means. i'm matching profile pictures with the friend i mentioned as bokuaka, though we both agree i'm oikawa at heart... i think if anything they're kenma, but bokuaka describes our interactions best out of the dynamics in the show. i have some endearing irritation for oikawa, as in a want to scrunch him up and throw him as far away as possible. this personality ain't big enough for the both of us. it's a little shameful that i've written more about this dumb volleyball show than about my exams.my second great cringey love, kpop, has made a debut in my academic life lately. for my anthropology coursework, i've decided to look at how a sense of belonging is created in kpop fandoms- it'll be weird to gain the title of "aca-fan", it makes me feel as if i should constantly be analysing things. some of the research i'm looking at focuses on comparing belonging from the positionalities of white and racialised fans, or through using materiality to signify cultural capital, but i'm not sure just yet how i'll narrow my question down. i've spent over 5 hours this weekend just reading up on it, which don't get me wrong, is very interesting and not enough time to complain in earnest, just a little strenuous given that i'm preparing for my listening exam come tuesday, and that i went out on saturday too. i've put in a good amount of work today, but it's not over yet... this is a little daunting given that i have other responsibilities left on top of this. i submitted my proposal for my philosophy IA about a month ago, but am yet to hear feedback on it. using a scene from nbc hannibal, i'm going to analyse free will and responsibility. i haven't actually brought up my EE on the site yet, so this seems as good a time as any. the subject is anthropology, and the topic to what extent the concept of liminality helps us understand the role of siberian shamans- though this research question is in the works, since i reference agency considerably, and my overarching focus is gender liminality. i'm at about 3k right now, and the final 4k deadline is in a couple months, so i'm confident enough. it's a topic i've truly enjoyed researching and writing about. on a more sobering note, i had a bit of a crisis the other night about uni, since my first choice requires 37 points. my grades pre-exams added up to 36, and our school averages one point on the core components, so i'd be on the entry requirement if i got in my exams what i got in my classes. i'm optimistic for two points in my core components as well, but since my TOK teacher is a bum we'll have to see. and yet, i am very afraid of my exam scores dropping. my own prediction for my post-mocks total is around 33-34, but i know this is a result of my own failures and that nothings going to change unless i work harder- which i'm already working into my routine. i was stressing even harder when i found out about Singapore's expectations, which made me realise i am a lot stupider than i thought. thank God i don't live somewhere with such high standards, but at the same time, i feel i'm not doing nearly enough when i'm struggling for 37 while 42 is a mediocre grade for others. yet where i am, the average is comparatively lower, and i know i'm at the top end of my form group- though they're not a particularly representative measurement of success. for these reasons, i'm trying to dial back on pursuits that don't contribute to my schoolwork, at this point especially, since this is my busiest term. i'm sure i'll manage to upload pieces from my TOK work and philosophy, and eventually my anthro IA and EE, but apart from that the site may look a little neglected... in part this is because i previously had such an intense editing schedule, meaning i set myself up a little. regardless, i do enjoy my subjects when i'm not ripping my hair out over them, when i'm not feeling the pressure of my entire future. we are alive once. i hope that university not only gives me more singleness of purpose, but that i can find a way to live less inhibited by this dread. i don't know how i managed double the subjects pre-IB, just the six & cores feel like a terrible sharp juggling act. i'm hoping to finish my EE by next week, so i can fully focus on my coursework. i also have a languages speaking exam coming up soon, as well as my oral assessment for literature, neither of which i'm looking forward to. language acquisition has been the bane of my existence for a good while, speaking is my worst component. i feel as if i'm not progressing at all, i know this is my own fault and that i'll feel differently if i work harder, but it's a little overwhelming. on the first review evening my teachers asked me how i was feeling, and to my response of "scared" they said "as long as you're not overwhelmed, we can do it!" so i am now understandably feeling overwhelmed about feeling overwhelmed. for a very long time i've been set on moving somewhere which speaks this language, so the thought that i won't be good enough is terrifying to me. i don't have a resolution to this train of thought, except to work harder...
30 april 2025
exam ranting .2
it's over!!!! i'm really glad, but i'm anxious to get my results back so i can see what i need to improve on. i sat maths first and felt that it went well, my teacher was optimistic for >80% and from fear of letting her down i said "definitely above 70%!" she said she'd mark mine first (!!!) and i got my score the same day, 65% exactly. in my defense, everyone i spoke to said the paper was really difficult, and i'd gotten my period during the exam, so i wasn't at my best. but i need to be doing better regardless... science went well, i'm optimistic for that, especially since i'd been getting mediocre grades before and felt like i did a lot better this time. literature was absolutely beautiful, loved the extract, got to talk about crab mysticism (as seen on the homepage) and magical realism. i still have my listening and speaking exams left for language acquisition, but i was happy with the reading. two of the texts were ones i'd done in my revision, so even though i couldn't remember all the answers exactly, i felt a lot more confident. the writing was unfamiliar to me, since in class we've been doing questions directly related to our topics, but these prompts felt much broader. i wasn't sure of myself at all. i felt that i was writing at my usual level, which isn't good enough, and i'd been hoping that since i wrote a much better piece of work recently i'd be able to grow into that level of writing. not particularly pleased, but not particularly catastrophic. i'm optimistic for listening, speaking is another matter... i can never really tell how well i do in anthropology, but i didn't feel particularly good about anything i wrote. i don't know what went wrong... anxious to get this one back especially. today, my last exam, philosophy. walked out of the exam room and immediately told my friend "light work, no reaction," which really sums up the experience well. it took me a little time to get into the groove of things, but by the end i'd written 10 pages and was overall quite happy. i felt particularly good about the Plato question, which i'd only revised a little for, although it seems other people hadn't revised at all for it. i was glad i could recall so much without excessive work on it. and most importantly of all, after the exam i went to my friend's house to play with their kitten, who fell asleep in my arms. i love her maybe more than anything, even if she's stinky and leaves scratches all over me.
my grade predictions:
maths: 5
science: 6
literature: 6
language: 5
anthropology: 5
philosophy: 6
22 april 2025
exam ranting
sooo mock exams start now, 4 wed-fri this week and 2 tue-wed next week. my point score based on my subjects right now is 36 (in which the grades for the 6 core subjects are marked 7 (best) to 1 (worst) and added, the final score is different since it adds points from the EE, TOK & CAS) which i'm relatively happy about, since entry to top universities is around this mark. but my mark so far has just been based on coursework since we haven't done any mocks yet, which makes me worried about how i'll score in a different context. i'm predicting roughly 32, but God knows... my first exam is maths, which i find easy in class since we focus on one topic at a time and i can get into a groove, but recall from further back is difficult considering how complicated the calculator is. do not get me started on functions do NOT get me started on probability. the same day is science, which isn't so hard, but i'm not interested at all so it's difficult to remember. then literature, which is an unseen text meaning you can't revise content. i'm happy about this since i'm already good at literature, it's actually the reason i got into the programme, and it's one less thing i have to revise- though the real exam will obviously be different... then language acquisition, which i'm kind of shitting myself over ibr, since before IBDP i was getting consistently >95% and now i'm on a 5
which just makes me feel kinda dumb in comparison to natives in my class. especially since before DP i was known as terminally locked in for language, so it's embarrassing on top of everything if i get a bad mark... but more than that i'll be mad at myself for not having done enough. i've been doing a lot of listening practice since it's the one i suck most at but if i don't know the vocab there's not all that much i can do... as soon as my science exam is over i'm locking in for language so hard it'll be a threat to my health. THEN THREE DAYS OF RESPITE YAYYYY!!!!! except i'll be cramming anthro and philo so it won't be that fun... these are the ones i'm most confident for though, since they're both mostly skill based, which i'm good at. for philosophy i don't know as much of the content as i probably should but you can get by pretty well without that, plus our teacher told us what the one content based question would be about since he felt it was unfair that we rushed it in class. anthropology i felt like i knew none of and was sweating over easter, so much so that after revising with a friend i feel i'm actually alright, at least in comparison... and then i have normal classes the literal next day. not even a single day off urghhghh. at least since my exams are all in the morning i can rest most of wednesday, but i'd like to be able to sleep in a little... tomorrow will start with my pre-exam ritual: incense & PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY. i'm nervous but these first two exams are the worst since they're so boring, language is at least marginally better since it's interesting even though it batters me. please spare a moment of your lives to consciously wish me well, i will send good karma to you in return...